Goldy Locks and the three Bares. A 2018 story

Once upon a time on a council estate not so far away lived a 19-year-old tearaway named Goldy Locks.

One day after an argument with her father about the state of her pigsty of a room she stormed out of the house telling her dad he was a "fucking asshole". After wandering aimlessly for a while she ended up on a new estate that was only half built. 

People were moving in already, that's what this new 5% deposit scheme from the government gets you.

Goldy walked up to the first house and noticed the door ajar, she could see through the window that it had furniture in so somebody was definitely living there. She couldn't see anyone around though so in she went. As she walked in she could smell that "new paint" smell you get when you've been decorating. She also recognised the vase in the hallway, it was from Home Bargains. She wanted it for her room.

As she walked through the living room and into the dining room she noticed three bowls of porridge on the solid pine six seater table. Goldy, having now regretted telling her dad to "shove his toast up his arse" had realised she was hungry. 

"Bollocks to it," she said out loud to herself. She took a mouthful from the first bowl. "Shit" she exclaimed, it was too hot. Goldy took a mouthful from the second bowl.

"Who the hell puts peanut butter in porridge?"

She took a mouthful of the third bowl, this one was perfect. Finally. 

After all that porridge Goldy fancied a bit of a sit-down. She was hoping that they had Netflix so she could watch the new series of Stranger Things. Her dad was too cheap to get Netflix. She sat in the first chair but there was an ass groove in it which was huge. The second chair was a small recliner but it didn't work. That's what buying couches from DFS gets you.

In the corner she noticed a rocking chair with a big comfy looking cushion on it. She grabbed the remote and settled down ready to watch some Netflix and relax. As she did the chair broke and Goldy landed flat on her back

"Fuck Shit Bollocks!"

After trespassing and stealing food Goldy decided to go for a look around. She was beginning to get a bit tired from her walk. She started to climb up to the third story of the house.

"Who the fuck are these people with a three-story house, friggin royalty?!"

Once she reached the top she went inside the first room, she planned on having a lie down. This room had a cot in so it was a no go. The second room had what was clearly a child's single bed but it had stairs to get up to the bed. Goldy didn't fancy walking up even more stairs so she tried the third room. This had a kingsize bed.

She dived on the bed, the Egyptian cotton sheets immediately felt smooth on her skin and she dozed off to sleep. Whilst she was asleep Paddy Bare the owner of the house came home with his son Billy Bare and his daughter Mary Bare. Paddy Bare was a stay at home dad after his wife (Mandy Bare) had passed away in an unfortunate circus related accident. 

"Someones been at my porridge" said Paddy Bare.

"Mine too" said Billy.

Mary Bare threw her empty dish onto the floor in disgust that all her porridge had disappeared.

"It seems like someone has been in my chair" said Paddy Bare. "My ass groove has a smaller ass groove inside it".

"Mine to" said Billy. "Someone has moved the remote, and look mums chair is broken!"

Paddy told Billy and Mary to stay downstairs whilst he checked out the rest of the house. Paddy got his mountain climbing gear ready so he could get up to the third floor of the house. "Why we bought a fucking three-story house is beyond me".

Paddy noticed that the doors to Billy and Marys rooms where open. Paddy never leaves the doors open. It saves on the heating bill if they're closed. He also noticed his bedroom door slightly open and could hear someone snoring. He saw Goldy asleep in his bed!

"Who the hell are you?" he shouted!

Goldy woke with a start. 

"Shut up you prick, I needed to sleep after walking up three storeys!"

"I heard that" said Paddy.

She then barged past Paddy knockinig him into the door frame and causing him to bang his head. She ran out of the house and back to her mediocre two story house. Later that day there was a knock at Goldy Locks' house. Goldy answered.

"Are you Miss Goldy Locks?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Miss Locks, I'm arresting you on suspicion of tresspassing, theft, criminal damage and assault, you do not have to say anthing...

"Shit"

  

Never want to miss a post? Sign up here!